Dear Kids,
Living in this house isn’t always easy. Just like being a teen isn’t easy. You see your friends who seemingly have no boundaries and all the baubles in the world and you wonder why. Why have you 
been placed in this house where there are horrid things like rules and limitations and boundaries? What did you do in your former life to deserve this, you cry to the sky? Well, I hate to break it to you, but you’ve got what you’ve got. Your dad and I believe that it is our job to raise three self-sufficient, independent young ladies and that’s what we’re going to do. There are too many of your friends that are going to flounder and fail when they’re finally unleashed (if that ever really happens in the heli-parent world) and I promise you that you will not be one of them.
I know that we’ve been talking about maybe one day giving you your own living accommodation in the yard, but unfortunately, that is quite a long way off. And if you do want that freedom of having your own space, you need to take a bit of responsibility around the house. Look how much good it did for your friends in Australia? They stepped up, and now their parents have decided to contact these builders of granny flats in Sydney to get the process started. We can take this option away from you in a heartbeat and we could decide to move my parents in instead, as there will come a day where they won’t be able to live by themselves anymore. This is your chance to show us that you are responsible, and who knows, maybe you’ll get your own living space before you know it?
So considering that you’re going to be stuck with us for the next several years – or at least until you figure out how to make millions on your own – I thought I would give you a list. Consider it an “employee handbook” if you will.
Here are the seven things that will make your life at home easier:
We don’t “owe” you anything so you can drop that sense of entitlement at the door. We bust our asses to give you what we can and more importantly – what we think you deserve. When we see those brand new jeans from American Eagle wadded up in a heap or hearing that you “lost” that North Face fleece that you BEGGED for last Christmas, it kinda makes us have no interest in buying you anything more expensive than $15 jeans at Target.
You don’t HAVE to have a phone especially a smart phone. The only reason why you have one is so that I can reach you and the only reason you have a smart phone is because it was the same price as the regular phone. It is your responsibility to keep it safe and unbroken because if it gets lost or broken, your option will be to use the Pay as You Go phone that’s in the drawer until your contract comes due or do without. All your friends have phones and so does the school office. You can always use one of those to call us if you need to.
You do not tell us what you’re going to do. Rather, if you have an idea of something that you would LIKE to do, come to us with a complete plan that includes where you’d like to go, who you’d like to go with and how transportation is being handled. If you call me from said destination and say that so and so’s mom had no idea that she was bringing you home, I’ll come and get you but I won’t be happy and you won’t be going again. And here’s an insider’s tip: your chances at a “yes” are much better if your room is straight and you ask politely and not demand it. If it works with OUR schedule and what we have going on, most likely the answer will be yes. If I say no and you give me attitude, I’ll remember that for the next time. And yes, you have a curfew.
You don’t get paid for everything. There are certain things we expect you to do like clean your room and pick up after yourself. If we need you to watch a sibling, that’s expected as well. If I’m in the yard pulling weeds, why don’t you grab some gloves and help out? You don’t expect me to charge you for all the endless places that I have to take you, do you? Do you hear me asking you for money for feeding you 7 days a week? No. So don’t expect it from me. You want some cash? Do more work. There are chores where you can earn money – do some of those. And speaking of chores..
If you’re going to do something, do it right the first time. Don’t do a half-ass job and then get upset with me when I call you to do it again. And then again. Take some pride in your work.. as my Dad always told me – would you proclaim to anyone that YOU did this job? If you wouldn’t want people to know you were the one who did it, do it again.
School is your job. It’s the most important thing that you do. Just like Dad and I do our best at our jobs so that we can provide for you, you must do your best. If you can’t keep your grades at at least at a “C” level, do not act surprised when you lose your privileges or get removed from a team or club that you belong on. Extra curricular activities are only for those who can keep their grades up. When I check parent portal and see things like homework not turned in and 50s on tests, expect to talk about it.
You get more flies with honey. Seriously.. if you could believe ONE thing that I tell you, it’s that. If the only time you’re nice to me is when you want something, I know that. If you really want to do something (see above) it would behoove you to be nice to me at least a good 4-6 hours before you hit me with “can I”. And if you’re in trouble or grounded? Here’s another insider tip: DO EXTRA STUFF AROUND THE HO– USE WITHOUT BEING ASKED! I guarantee you that your chances of getting a little time off for good behavior will go up tenfold.
I know this may seem cruel and unusual punishment but trust me when I say that you will thank us for this one day. When you’re stuck in that million dollar condo and can’t remember if you should put those red yoga pants in with your whites, you’ll be happy that we made you do your own laundry. Or when you get a review at your million dollar job that you’re not happy with, you’ll breathe a sigh of relief because we made you talk to your teacher about your bad grade instead of us rushing in to do it for you. As crazy as it sounds, yes – I promise – you’ll be grateful.
3
I swear while I was reading this, I thought I wrote it myself! Not only do I have 3 daughters but the words are written as if you took them right out of my mouth! Unbelievable! In fact, just the other day I told my 16 yr old teen that if she spoke and acted sweeter more often, then more often would she have a much sweeter life! And my daughters tease me that I use the word BEHOOVES when I’m really upset!!!
I am now subscribing to your blog and look forward to see what else you (me) have to say!
Hah!!! Isn’t behoove the BEST word when dealing with them? Thanks so much for stopping by for a visit!! 🙂
Crocker- You’ve made your point clearly…bye.
John Harris recently posted..Halloween Costumes Inspired by Hollywood!
Crocker- Get a blog of your own. You’ve made your points well…we get it.
Bravo!
I believe all this 100% but the kiddos we’re wearing me down. This is just what I needed to read today to keep it together. Thanks.
Steph recently posted..A Lesson in Enough-ness
Hang in there, Steph!! I won’t say it gets easier, but you do get used to catching the curveballs a little bit better!
When I was a kid, my parents made it very clear to me that privilages had to be earned. They weren’t going to just give me anything. I had to earn it. If I didn’t do my chores, or mouthed off, I lost privileges. No exceptions. I wasn’t allowed out of the house if my homework and chores weren’t done. I did dishes by hand, and laundry without a dryer. I was responsible for cleaning the bathroom, and cooking most of the family dinners. One time my dad told me to turn down my music. I did, but apparently not enough. He came into my room, threw my raido on the floor and stomped on it until it was in hundreds of pieces. I didn’t get another sterio for five years. If I didn’t clean my room when I was told, anything left on the floor after one hour was thrown into the trash. I got spanked if I mouthed off. And not just a playful little swat either. Bare butt with a belt. I learned to respect my parents, because they didn’t give me a choice. I grew up without a TV in my room, without a cell phone, or a personal computer, or a car. Those things were privilages that I coudln’t earn enough money to buy myself, because I had to help pay the bills and put food on the table. I survived without those things, becasue I knew that having food on the table and a roof over my head was more important. And I learned how to be a responsable, respectful, functioning adult. Kids today have it EASY…they just don’t know it.
Thanks. This was just what I needed today. Battling this with my 12 year old. As a mom who writes children’s books that teach respect, responsibility, and other good traits, this post is music to my ears. Enough of the entitlement culture. Let’s get back to some good old self respect and pride in your contribution to society.
momstoryteller recently posted..It’s not only what you say, it’s how you say it. -Teaching kids respect for others
I love this. I am going to show my kids and I might just print it out and wall paper their bedrooms with it! I think people are missing the point about teaching kids respect and responsibility (with some added humor to give some exhausted moms a laugh!). I’m confused why someone would say they don’t think your children would return home as adults? My parents taught me these things and I chose to move down the block from them so they can help me instill this in my own children. I appreciate Denise’s comment about having kids with unique problems as well. I have a son who has Oppositional Defiant Disorder and this is exactly the thing he needs to see that goes on in other people’s homes. Thank you for realistic and witty take on helping our kids become responsible adults.
Thanks, Julie.. the funny thing is when I read the “kids won’t come home” comment my kids were like.. pppfftt. whatever!?! And as much as my kids may bitch that I’m mean, they will also tell me to my face! that their friends need boundaries. Boom.
absolutely stated so perfect! I don’t feel so alone in the world after reading this! LOL My daughter (15) and I have had a few rounds with these exact topics. I’m printing it out and having her read it so she knows she’s not the only child out there with “horrible” parents! 😉
Kristen, you’ve got it all right! I think perhaps some who’ve posted negative replies are “reading in” a more strident tone into your writing than you mean. It can be hard to interpret tone in written text. (I’m trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.) I read your blog as having a good dose of humor under the rules. Or perhaps they have children who are more compliant. Every child is different and some families are fortunate (perhaps) in having children who don’t need a strong set of rules or who don’t repeatedly challenge the rules. I have 4 kids and they are all different. For some, the above might have been stronger than they needed. But not for others! I also have spent the last nearly 30 years working with kids from 3-14, mostly boys from 8-13, in all kinds of capacities (cub scouts, scouting, science olympiad coaching, robotics teams, community music groups, church organizations, etc.). Some kids are compliant and intuitively understand that rules are for their good. Some take a long time to get there. It is so sad to see kids whose parents don’t set and enforce rules and teach manners, self-discipline, responsibility toward others, the ability to wait, and so on because in the long run it hurts the child’s ability to function in society as an adult and by happy. I also do understand that there are kids and families whose circumstances are different, that others don’t see their behind the scenes struggles and who appear to be undisciplined when really they just have unique problems (I have a son with mild autism and have worked with kids with all kinds of issues) that will take longer to work out. But ALL kids NEED boundaries and need to learn to live with a certain degree of unmet wants or they will be unprepared for life. Thanks for a great post! I’ll be sharing it with my son! 🙂 Maybe he’ll see that he’s not the only one “suffering” (but probably not, or at least he won’t admit it). I hope we’ll enjoy a good laugh together. 🙂
I really appreciate the comment and I realize that 1) not everyone sees the tongue in cheek approach I have to my writing and 2) I’m not for everyone and that’s okay! I just want to be sure that my girls are able to support themselves and function when I’m not around. We did a driving school with the now 16YO and at one part, they all broke into groups and did a session in the garage. My daughter was the ONLY one who not only knew how to change a tire, but the only one who knew where the equipment was stored!! I’m not bragging (well, maybe a little) but that just shows you where we are with raising today’s teens.
WOW! I can’t believe the negative pushback you’ve gotten lately! I loved your rules! I don’t think you’re angry- I think we’re raising our kids in a hyper-entitlement generation and you’re just setting your girls straight.
I totally related to several points: I never bothered to buy the $100+ North Face that she asked for on her Xmas list. I don’t spend $100 for a single item for myself- not gonna do it for a 14 yr old. (And it’s not a matter that I couldn’t afford it, it was a matter of my personal decision not to spend that kind of coin on a fleece.)
Growing up, My dad used to inspect every dish that I hand washed (I WAS the Dishwasher!) If it was dirty I had to do it over. It pissed me off back then, but I get it now! I even turn off the lights when I leave the room! (Thanks, Dad!)
And you’re right about the cell phone costs. A dumb phone was the same price as the smart phone. It’s my prerogative to have my kids bring it down during evening hours that I specify and I can take it away any time I want!
When I got my first apartment in college I called my parents & thanked them for making me do all the chores I hated. And now that I ‘m the mother of four teenagers, I find myself calling my parents and apologizing for all the “bad” things I did. Now that I’m the grown-up, I get that my “mean parents” were preparing me for life. So grateful.
A final thought: Kids today need to fail. They need to be disappointed. They need to wait. Does that sound bitter? It’s not cruel, it’s reality. All these seemingly awful events will build character and teach life lessons and skills that exemplify that we don’t always get what we want. It’s my job to prepare my kids for life and life ain’t always sunshine & unicorns. Even if it was, who’s gonna pick up the unicorn poop??
Yes but I take it all with a grain of salt.. there are just some people who like to talk and be heard. It’s all good…when it comes to parenting there are only 3 opinions that matter to me and I gave birth to each of them 🙂 I must say though, that I think you and I would get along quite nicely!!
When did a generation of parents get so angry at their own children? And when did the typical whines and wants of adolescents who have always needed our parenting get blown up into an indictment of our entire nation’s youth? Why are parents so incapable of being parents that they need to blog angry posts at their children? The messages in this blog post they sound like they coming from an insolent teenager, not from the parent:
“We don’t owe you anything.”
“You do not tell us what you’re going to do.”
And this horror: “If you’re going to do something, do it right the first time.” (as in “No room for failure, you delinquent loser!”)
I’m thinking that it’s not me who’s angry Betty Crocker.. And if you think I’m going to apologize for expecting pride in work you’re wrong. Perhaps you didn’t grow up in a home where parents guided and taught but that wasn’t my house nor is it this house. Best of wishes and good baking!
Parents bring kids into the world and absolutely owe their children at minimum the following: a loving and safe home, healthy food, medical care, warm, comfortable and age-appropriate clothing, the opportunity and tools for getting as much education or otherwise making their way in life as their income permits and the freedom to explore their talents and creativity.
The message that “we owe you nothing” is so selfish.
This is the time children start to learn to challenge authority and learn their own truths–but with boundaries. And let us not forget the hormonal soup and peer pressure/depression issues feeding their grumpiness and mood swings. Demanding adult-level perfection and and all or nothing environment that ignores their immaturity (which again, we are not meeting ourselves so let’s not be hypocrites here) is not helping them find solid ground.
This blog post’s rallying cry against entitled kids actually pits parents against their kids. While kids rail against parents as they always have for generations, parents should never make their kids feel that as a group, they are the enemy. But teens, particularly teen girls, viewing parents as an enemy camp? Hello? This has been going on for generations.
I still don’t see the need for this public chastisement and indictment of a natural, albeit, sometimes frustrating/perilous, growth and separation process, because I think it confuses the child who needs loving but strong boundaries into being shamed about what is happening rather than taught. And it does breach the trust that the kids need to have that somehow through this ugly phase called adolescence, their parents are on their side.
There is a great book called, Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent’s Guide to the New Teenager. It really does spell out the ways that teen girls and teen boys start communicating. Boys are much easier–they just hole up in their room for 5 years and do who knows what…
http://www.amazon.com/Life-First-Could…/dp/0374528535
I was a prosecutor for five years, of juveniles, falling between 9 and 16, seeing kids commit some of the worst acts of humanity (and some silly ones as well) and suffer the depths of youth dysfunction. Among my couple of thousand cases, I have seen 100s and 100s of probation reports and family investigations, etc and talked to 100s of witnesses, parents, cops, etc.
The ways that kids can go wrong are aplenty, and these kids had plenty of harsh judgment and finger wagging all along the way, Judge Judy being one of them, btw, telling the kids what losers they were. And even well-meaning but stressed out parents who thought telling them they were no good or they didn’t owe them anything, etc. would help them shape up. The defense attorneys did the opposite, just pretend everything was hunky-dory and the kids should get to do what they want (and once the defense attorneys got a hold of the parents, suddenly, their kids could do no wrong. Parents are often so clueless about their kids and we used to joke about the “mother” defense to perjury because once she got on the stand, oh boy, what a saint, lol). But somewhere in between the two extremes of shame and permissiveness is where healthy kids find balance.
Agreed which is exactly where you will find our family. The happy medium.
Kristen Daukas recently posted..Triad Love – April in Winston Means RiverRun Film Festival!!
Good luck with kids who don’t want to come home for xmas after they escape your clutches!
Good luck getting your kids to take care of you when they can’t take care of themselves 🙂
I don’t think the ultimate goal of parenting should be to raise caregivers for you, when you can no longer care for yourself. Obligation is a poor substitute for a truly warm and affectionate relationship.
I agree 100%, Holly. Luckily we have exactly that.. as crazy as we may all seem 🙂
My kids are all grown and married, and taking care of themselves just fine. I didn’t have to be mean to them for them to be that way.
The last thing I want is for my kids to be taking care of me. I’ve wanted them to live their lives their own way since the day they were born.
Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think setting boundaries is mean – at all. Interestingly enough, even my own kifd recognize how lackadaisical their friends parents are when it comes to establishing rules. Look.. I don’t judge how other parents raise their kids. If they want to give their kids Michael Kors bags and new cars for their 16th birthday, that’s all on them. I just have no intention of sending mine out in the (real) world ill prepared to be responsible.
I absolutely agree about boundaries and rules but these are more like “You can’t be on the computer until the dishes are clean” not “Do it right the first time.” That’s ridiculous, particularly considering none of us do it right the first time.
Of course children demand what they want. They need boundaries. But not absolutes and ugly messages about how they are owed nothing and must be perfect.
Buying kids things? That’s what NO is for. Not “We don’t owe you anything.” That’s not a rule, that’s an atmosphere of resentment. The allowance thing is interesting–it should not be tied to chores, and indeed, can be taken away as punishment, but children need to have a source of spending money independent of tit for tat.
And chauffering–that depends. If they need to get somewhere like practice, and they don’t drive, what are they supposed to do? To the mall (or whatever today’s equivalent?). At our pleasure/convenience, but indeed, we want them to have friends and a social life, so to some extent, out of love and on our way to/from our own errands, we take our kids to their social events. My mother was taken advantage of at times, my father would complain that she always had to do the driving, but then again, she didn’t work while a couple of other mothers did.
And who are your kids’ friends that you can’t stand them all so much? Sure, kids are “entitled” but again, that is what NO is for. Not, “your friends are entitled brats.” My son had plenty of friends with parents far richer than us, and they may or may not have been more “entitled,” depending on the kid. But we didn’t view them as threats to my son or our family. They were good kids, welcome to our home and their parents were generally also good parents.
Amen Sister! I have send the problems, “I am the parent, I have the control” dynamics have caused. My kids are both late teens. Very responsible and respectful, they tell me where they are going without me asking, update us if they are running late. They help out at home, have good grades an they support my husband and I as we deal with sick parents. I have not taken the “Because I said so” role with them since pre-school. If there is an issue we work through it. My daughter said, “We don’t have rules, we have expectations.” Teens who do not feel heard and supported at home will go elsewhere for approval and attention, and that is not always places you want them to go. I accept there are different parenting styles and different kids need different environments but given how Kristen is insulting commenters on this blog who disagree with her approach, I would not want to be raised in that household.
Rules, expectations. Tomato, toe-mah-to. Sounds like you have a good thing going! I think we’re all doing the best that we can and our parenting styles fit each one of us. And I dunno.. you might actually like it here.. haven’t had anyone run away yet and in fact, it’s a constant flow of bonus kids. So I guess I’m not so evil and bad after all! 🙂
This is outstanding & conveys just what my wife & I were talking about recently after our 13 year old called us from her friends house to TELL us what she was doing for the day! I will be presenting this to my daughter after Christmas to help her start off the new year with a new perspective. Thanks!
[…] This post was originally published on Kristen’s blog, FourHensAndARooster.com. […]
Tell it, KD!!! Kens will be 10 in December and we are approaching lots of the points you hit minus the sibling stuff (only child syndrome…lol) LOVE this POST!!!
Amber Day Hicks recently posted..The Liebster award nomination
These rules sound very familiar to me. Quite similar to the ones my kids follow,
Josh recently posted..Do You Know How Google Plus Relates To The 213 Area Code?
Great article! I am saving this for the next time my teenagers complain about how strict we are. I tell them frequently that it’s not a parents job to be their friend. Right now, it’s our job to teach them the things they’ll need to know to be a self-sufficient adult that contributes something positive to society. So, yes.. it is important that they cough up a few of those chore dollars towards their cell phone data plans.
Karen Hoch recently posted..Social Media Overload? Start Here.
Totally missed this comment, Karen!! So you’re saying I’m stricter than you?! LOL! I feel like I”m the permanent buzz kill of a parent. “How are you going to pay for that?” “How are you getting there?” “Who’s bringing you home?!”
This is so good. I think i’m going to share it with my kids so they know that they aren’t the only kids on earth with these “mean” parents!! I agree and share all those same rules. I often quote to them “Mean parents raise great kids” if they say other friends don’t have those same rules….
Leah recently posted..Quote of the Week
Yes! Exactly! School is your job! And I expect you to wake up in the morning, eat breakfast, get dressed, brush your teeth and make it onto the bus so you can get to your job! Why is that so hard?
Ilene recently posted..Good Stuff
Ugh! Yes! Same routine, every day. Nothing new here.. why is it a problem?
Kristen Daukas recently posted..7 Simple Rules for Living in Our House
Fabulous! Someday your girls will honestly and truly thank you for raising them to understand, value, and operate under these rules. As the mom of kids who are a little older bit older (youngest is 19) I can attest that this kind of upbringing pays off. My boys certainly are not perfect, but they’re ahead of the curve on becoming thoughtful, responsible adults.
My approach to phones when they were teenagers was – “We are paying for you to have a phone for one reason and only one reason – so I can reach you when I want to talk to you. So when you get a call from me, you answer the phone. If I cannot reach you, there is no reason for us to pay for your phone. And if you don’t have a phone (and, therefore, I can’t reach you) you don’t go anywhere.” What a mean mom – lol!
Gaye recently posted..4 Reasons to Invest in Your Marriage
Oh, Gaye… thank you and I hope so. Today was a tough “teen” day but it seems to have worked it’s way out.
Kristen Daukas recently posted..7 Simple Rules for Living in Our House
Amen! I agree on all fronts but two.
I have my 3 teenagers pay for their phones (both the phone and the contract) after they lost or didn’t carry the Pay As You Go phones I bought and I still couldn’t reach them. Two have chosen to carry a phone, one is doing without so far. I also have my oldest son, who drives, pay for gas in the summer months and on the weekends, and 1/2 of the car insurance.
I do pay for babysitting siblings when I work outside the home or when my husband and I go out to dinner. With that money, they can pay for a movie, the phone, candy or whatever they want.
Great read, Kristen, we are on the same wave length.
Dorien Morin-van Dam recently posted..Fun Things To Do With Fun Tweets
I will pay for babysitting if it’s truly that but if it’s “watch your sister while I run to the store”, not doing it. The gas/insurance thing was the same for me in highschool and will be the same for M when she’s driving next year.
Kristen Daukas recently posted..7 Simple Rules for Living in Our House
OMG! I love this! Our girls are a little younger (oldest is 11) so they don’t have phones yet, but otherwise,I still this all of these apply to them. We had a conversation just this weekend about why they have to do chores and why they don’t get paid. One said, “but it’s MY room!” My hubby quickly reminded her that he & I pay the bills, so, technically, it’s OUR room, we just let them use it! 🙂
Lisa @ The Golden Spoons recently posted..Tuesday Ten – Q&A with Emily
Oh yes.. that’s a common mantra here, too. She/he who pays is the rightful owner.
Kristen Daukas recently posted..7 Simple Rules for Living in Our House
And will you kick her to the street to remind her that she has no privacy?