What IS a Vacation?
The Rooster and I went out to dinner last night to meet up with a friend that he had graduated high 
school with 29 years ago. It was a nice evening and we were talking about the possibility of them relocating down to our fine state of North Carolina after her daughter graduated from high school. We were discussing the pros and cons of each town and what she was looking for – essentially a place for a young retirement. The evening was going great and eventually, the conversation turned to a beach trip that we are taking in a few weeks.
We have not been on a full family vacation for at least two years. They cost so much money nowadays. It might be worth using a comparison site to see if you would be better off with another provider on things like broadband. It could help to go to https://www.simplyswitch.com/broadband/. Bear in mind that I have had a couple of weekend girls trips over the past couple of years but essentially, other than business trips and a couple of parental visits, the Rooster has not been out of town. I have always wanted to go to somewhere like the Philippines, and I have heard about using a company like 2GO but I just never got around to going there. I’ve also always wanted to go cycling together – there seems to be something romantic about a lovely couples bike ride – we’d probably rent some from a company like Pelican Cruiser (Https://pelicancruiser.com/bike-rentals/) and save on the expense and hassle of buying our own and transporting them elsewhere.
So anyway, the conversation is now about us going on vacation next month and the Rooster proudly proclaims (or should I say he crows) that is going to “be playing a whole lot of golf during the week.” I am usually pretty good about controlling my expressions and have a pretty good poker face, however I absolutely had the audible gasp as well as the “what the hell are you talking about” expression.. so much in fact that our friends laughed and commented that “he may in fact, NOT be playing all that golf”.
Upon seeing my expression he says “I guess I’ll be playing no golf” and I say “no that’s not it. but if you’ll remember it’s my vacation too, so how is it fair that you get to go and play a ‘whole lot of golf’ while I’m stuck back at the house handling the comings and goings of every day life.”
I’m not sure about you, but I know when my girls were smaller it was no more fun for me to take vacation than it was for me to stay home. To me having young kids and going on vacation was nothing more than packing up my entire house, moving to some different location (albeit a prettier one), disrupting their sleep patterns and their eating patterns and then expecting to have a good time. All while trying to make life as normal as it possibly could be. To me, vacation was absolutely a nightmare and I could have gone for 10 years and never had a vacation as a family and been perfectly happy. Saying that, I know that there are a load of places that I would love to visit if I could. I just know that it would be a hassle going now. However, if I could go on vacation now, then I might try Manhattan and stay in the Crowne Plaza Times Square Manhattan hotel, but for the time being I’m perfectly happy at home.
Perhaps I overreacted a little bit last night with my visible shock at the fact that I was not going to be taking a vacation after all. However I think it’s important to note that everybody deserves a break. I certainly do not want to get in a tit-for-tat mode of operation with the Rooster (or anyone) such as “you get this, then I get that”, But do you ever feel like that’s the only way that you properly get what’s fair to you as a mother?
I would love to hear what you guys have to say about this. How do you and your spouse handle going on vacation. Do you split up the duties? Do you do them together? I’m really interested to know how other families go on vacation and actually get a break from every day life.
I usually take vacations only when all of us in the fam are available.
As for me who has no one except myself to be concerned with, I love taking vacations alone….and this could actually be for some moms who DO have others to be concerned with. Set aside a few days or a week to either get in the car (or plane) with just YOUR stuff and venture into something entirely different. You will come back feeling literally “worldly” and at the same time, appreciate what you do have waiting at your front door. Just my philosophy in life.
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So funny to read this today. My daughter, who recently started a regular babysitting job where there are 4 children, came home to me and said, “I just realized… Moms never get a vacation. I mean, even on vacation, they still have to do all their normal stuff.” This thought just came over her in a wave. I remember how difficult being on vacation could be, and then you had to come home and get the house back in order after being gone. I told my daughter that the best scenario is to bring me along on her vacation and I’ll try and give her a break. I love Tamara’s line “Have I asked you to go back to work for 3 more hours”… that rocks.
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Sometimes it’s just not worth it. Who are we kidding.. yes it is!!!
Loved this, glad I’m not the only one. I completely agree. Our annual trip to the beach isn’t truly a vacation for me or for my husband really. And I get annoyed when he wants to go out a day. However, he’d gladly let me (because he’s a better person than I am). I just don’t because, like you, I look at it as a family vacation. The only time I feel like it’s a real family vacation is when I have no cooking, cleaning or laundry to do, because I can’t (our Disney trips).
Seriously… it’s exhausting isn’t it?? We just got back from another trip and it’s like my own version of insanity.. doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
This is so true! Sometimes it’s really hard to get excited about a vacation because of all the work that goes into it. Also, I really want everyone to have fun, so we usually pack too many things into our days. The best vacations for me are the ones where I don’t have to cook. It’s more expensive, but I really feel like I’m getting a break when I don’t have to plan food! #LOBS
normaleverydaylife recently posted..Time for Summer
I like having a place that has somewhat of a kitchen/kitchenette – just to save money if nothing else. But I definitely try to have at least half the meals be outside where we’re staying. When we rent a house, I like the kids to take at least one meal during the week and let them cook for us!
The best family vacations are the ones where we have planned little (besides a destination), demanded little and had no outside distractions: 4 months (yes, months) in Brazil in an apartment without hot water or a washing machine; hands down best experience ever. 3 weeks in Costa Rica in a house w/o internet, fun too. The key was to spend time with family and do something each day, but leaving time to do nothing, too. Play games, cook, bake, eat, shop, explore, laugh and hangout.
We have 4 kids and they have traveled to South America and Europe numerous times. They are good car-riders, frequent flyers and excellent adjusters.
There is definitely some stress involved beforehand, but not once we arrive.
My vacation is a vacation because I have no mail, phone calls, bills, or cleaning to do. Packing, carrying luggage and traveling is something we do together and once we get to the destination, we all decide together what to do; at least one family activity together/day. My kids and husband help with cooking and grocery shopping.
It helps that we now have no more strollers, pack-and-plays or diaper bags to lug around. But even when we did, we all saw a trip as a big ADVENTURE. I have traveled to Europe on a ‘family vacation’ alone with 4 kids taking 3 airplanes to get there a week before my husband joined us. I see it as a privilege that I can take the kids, show them new places and enjoy quality time with them.
Dorien
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You are living the life my friend 🙂 And you are spot on. It’s funny, growing up my mom planned every moment of the trip and now I plan very little and am happy just “being”. I run non-stop during the year so the last thing I want to do on vacation is more running. I’ll find the things to do where we’re visiting and then we all decide which ones we want to do. And yes.. traveling without all the equipment makes it much easier.
Kristen Daukas recently posted..Playing Mind Games at the Sports Banquet
Since I’ve taken on this whole stay at home mom thing for the summer it’s gotten worse on the farm, I mean I cannot go the campground 15 minutes away and they both still expect me to wait on them hand and foot, and hubs has no clue where she’s running off to half the time there, I look at him & say did you ask her where they are planning on going? His response is “I grew up with all these folks ,Amber she will be fine.” My thought is until she isn’t fine and the creepy kid stealing guy with the ski mask jumps out of the trees and takes all the kids & none of you have a clue because you all grew up together and you trust each other and that’s cool but what about the bad guys… Wow. That was a busy rant, sorry…. & Happy Saturday, I really loved this post…. 🙂
Amber Day Hicks recently posted..Soybean field & about my hubs!
You’re still breaking him in, sister 😉
Kristen Daukas recently posted..Playing Mind Games at the Sports Banquet
I’m cracking up as I read this because Luke (the 5 yr old) and I are leaving tomorrow morning for a week at the beach. My husband wasn’t able to get off work, but has been a very good sport about us going without him. Truthfully, this isn’t the first time we’ve gone without him. I live to vacation and I’m not ashamed to admit it. However, I just signed Luke up to attend a day camp while we’re there. It’s from 9am -2pm and I know I will be ready for some pool time alone by mid-week. It’ll be my vacation from vacation.
Lori Wescott recently posted..I Need a Vacation!
That sounds a little like Utopia to me, girl!!!
Very interesting question. My family goes to the beach for a week every year with my hubby’s family. It has been their tradition since he was little. The nice thing is that, even if he leaves I still have his mom there to help me hold down the fort so to speak, so it’s not like he leaves me totally alone with the kids. Usually, the guys go play golf ONE day and that’s it. Occasionally, we get to go out on a date night, too and leave the kids with his parents. Maybe you could split it – ONE day, he gets to go play golf alone while you have the kids. Another day, you get to go shopping or spa or whatever you want while he has the kids. That way everybody get a little of what they want but nobody is left out altogether~
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You know Lisa… I guess that was the other thing.. it’s a FAMILY vacation. You want to play golf the whole time, then go on a golf weekend with the boys. I’m not saying we’re going to be glued at the hips the whole time, but it’s about being together and connected to each other.. not the internet, phones, etc.
HAHAHAHA! I had to laugh hard at this one. My husband travels a lot for business, sometimes to really exotic locations and he’s always inviting me to come along. Now BC — before child — I could just pick up and go because I can write anywhere. But with a child in tow, traveling with my husband while he’s working is a total nightmare I’d like to avoid because it’s no vacation. He’d be at work and I’d be trying to work WHILE entertaining our child. Where’s the fun in that? So I get what you’re saying, Moms are always on duty, even when we’re off duty. I remember one time when my son was about 2. My husband had just dropped me off at the airport because for once I was going on a biz trip. No sooner had I cleared security when my phone started ringing. The child had started vomiting in the back seat as soon as they got back on the road. My husband was calling me in a panic to ask what to do. I had to laugh. I was on the plane headed for 5 days in NYC and he was gonna have to handle cleanup himself. But even so, I still managed to call the nursery school and leave a list of In case of illness numbers to call in my absence and I checked in with the school, my husband, the nanny and my parents when I arrived in NYC. Even when we’re off duty, we’re never really off duty!
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Right?? You’re standing there going “what exactly am I supposed to do?”. Not only can you do nothing, but now you feel as though you’re leaving them both at the hands of sure doom. And I honestly think moms will forget more “lists and tidbits” than any dad can ever know. Not knocking dads, but it’s just that memory thing.
We only have small vacations so far, with the kids so small and the money so…much smaller. (nonexistent) When we go away it’s to our beach house in Cape Cod and usually his parents are there and they help a lot. But lately I’ve noticed all six of the kids’ grandparents getting winded. And it’s not them all aging so much as my kids getting into everything and needing so much more! And of course I think to myself, “You’re getting winded from five minutes of what I do for 12 hours a day.”
Anyway I was on a tangent. My husband, love him, is a bit thick. He comes home from work (sitting at a computer all day) while I’ve been both working at home and watching two kids and he says, “Can you do bedtime tonight?” I say, “I’ve been working all day.” He says, “So have I.” I say back, “I’ve been doing THIS all day. Am I asking you to go back to work for three more hours?” He says, “Good point. I’ll do bedtime.”
I hate that we sounded like that! Anyway I’ve been most helpful. Vacations sound exhausting to me with a one-year-old and a four-year-old.
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I love that line! The Rooster really does do a good job most of the time.. just like *I* do a good job most of the time. I’m just more vocal about it 😉 Yeah.. we did NO vacations that didn’t involve in-laws until the youngest was at least 4.. just wasn’t worth it.
My favorite place to go to get away is our ski condo. The reason is because I don’t really have to do much there (minimal cleaning and upkeep – it’s small) and it’s truly the only vacation place we ever go that is completely relaxing. It’s ski in, ski out, the kids are all old enough (and good enough skiiers) to ski with friends by themselves, and I can just relax. I love it there!
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How do I get a piece of that action?? Yes.. it’s much easier now that they’re older but I’ll reserve final judgement for when I get home next month 😉
Most of our vacations have other family members joining us. But over 4th of July week my husband took both boys up to Maine to stay with his brother at their cabin on the lake. Even though I really didn’t do anything that week, it was so nice to not have to deal with deciding what to make for dinner or referee a fight between the boys. I like those kinds of vacations but going on weekends or girl’s only vacations are really nice as well.
Oh. Wow. I am jealous over that one. I am not joking when I say that in the almost 15 years that I’ve been a mom, I have spent exactly ONE night in my own house alone. That’s it. And might I add that it was the most glorious 36 hours of my life. There is just something so awesome about doing what you want to do, when you want to do it… but you know that, don’t you?! 🙂
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I don’t think of it as tit-for-tat. I call it self-advocating. Asking for what we want, need…and deserve. My groom just doesn’t think about vacations from my perspective…and he needs to be reminded. Nothing wrong with that at all. Speak up, mama!
You are correct and I have gotten better about that over the years instead of being passive-aggressive about it!
Yeah, when our boys were young vacations were completely exhausting. We went to St. Simons Island once and the only time I felt relaxed the entire week was when we were on a bike ride (on a trail, nowhere near a road!), with the oldest on a bike between us and the youngest strapped into a toddler seat on my husband’s bike. I have never had any desire to go to St. Simons again!
My experience has been that I have to say what I need when it comes to vacation. My husband is a great guy and has always done a lot with the kids and household. But if I didn’t say, “It makes me feel tired and stressed to cook dinner on vacation” he wouldn’t know that. So I have said it, and now we always go out to dinner on vacation, even if it’s just for pizza. We also used to take turns sleeping in and getting up with the kids, so we’d both have a chance to catch up on sleep.
It does get easier with time. Our youngest son is 19 now, so they can do their own thing and we can do ours. They always show up in time for dinner though, since we’re paying the bill!
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Funny how they all come running for dinner, huh? I think I saw your post on that… luckily we’re going with another family so we should be able to divvie up meals and then go out the rest of the time. Maybe THAT’S the compromise… you can play golf every day but you’ll also be cooking those days, too!!
Once again I guess it’s up to me to defend the dudes, at least a little. Don’t want to go on and on but here’s a few notes from this Rooster’s family:
-Every Thanksgiving (except 2 in the 90s) for 22 years we’ve gone to Charleston to hang with my wife’s extended family. Every Friday after Thanksgiving I watched the kids, and sometimes their cousins, while all the female in-laws went shopping. Now that the kids are high school/college age I just sit and drink beer by the beach which I believe is called Just Rewards.
-For years I did all the toting of luggage solo. I also helped with packing, but admittedly my wife was planner-in-chief.
-I’m the one who strapped all the bikes to the car for a trip to the beach despite knowing full well, and arguing the fact, that the kids wouldn’t ride theirs. What happened? Not one ride and I almost herniated a disk loading and unloading them, not to mention the almost-coronary I had every time we hit a bump on the drive because we had a sub-standard bike rack that dangled off the back of our mini-van. I was sure we were going to drop bikes in the middle of I-95.
-For years we went with a group of friends to the beach, all of us with kids, and while we dads did golf on occasion, we also did our share of babysitting. The point became moot when we started bringing teenagers with us to babysit in exchange for free room and board at the beach.
-While my wife is the one who took the lead and thought about the details as you described above, I did almost all trip mapping, ticket buying, room reserving, etc. Oh, and I do 99.9% of the driving.
I get what you’re saying, but I think it’s too easy for all of us to fall into “woe is me” mode and not even consider the stress that our partner is under too. Of course we have to be as equitable as possible, but it’s always a red flag to me when I start thinking “Why do I have to do this while she ” because I’m pretty sure I’m forgetting what she’s done while I’m bitching about packing the bikes.
FYI, I’ve found that when I need to be appreciated I just disappear when something heavy needs to be lifted or I put all the most often used dishes/glasses on the top shelf of the kitchen cabinets. Suddenly all my shortcomings become momentarily less short.
I love when Jon Lowder comes around.
Your points are duly noted. The man DOES do a good job of “letting” me do my own thing now, but there were times in our …er… younger days (i.e. party days) where I felt like I was on a singles cruise with my family. That’s when I really didn’t get a vacation. Like you, now that the kids are older, it’s not AS much work on us but we still have to make sure they don’t get kidnapped, drowned and eat at least one square meal. Also.. teen girls in bikinis? Now we have to worry about the flies. I mean boys.
And yes. Loading the vehicle is his job. And I absolutely insist that he packs his own bags.
Kristen Daukas recently posted..Do Moms REALLY Get a Vacation?
OH GIRL. Let me just say that I totally understand 100% what you are talking about. We are headed to the beach next month, and the first thing my hubby asked when the planning began was to make some “tee times” with my dad. Oh yes, he did. Personally, the vacations I enjoy these days are girlfriend getaways! ;)-Ashley
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Oh. Wow. You should have made them for him. At 3pm. And conveniently forget to reserve a cart. Walk the plank man, walk the plank.
Kristen Daukas recently posted..Do Moms REALLY Get a Vacation?
Kristen,
This is the shout heard round the world! Family vacations can be rough. We usually end up going with my parents (we don’t usually enjoy the drama of it all ourselves). We split duties, but I usually supervise packing & planning. Now I’ve switched gears & look to taking my own personal vacation. I used to say I’d get a vacation when I died. Then I rethought that. Why should I have to wait?! So I did like you did. Rolled out with a girlfriend or two. It’s AWESOME! Our women’s group at church even does overnight events (next one is in August-care to join us?). Recently, my husband said he’d like to send me away for a night or two by myself so I could relax. I wasn’t sure how to take that & the more I thought about it, I didn’t care. I just want the ding dang vacation! My husband is great with the kids! But, when you get home, you sometimes have to “do repairs” to the hubby because he’s endured your “main gig”! lol
We’ve done a couple of “with our parents” vacations and that helped a little, especially when it was with his mom. At this point of my life, I would take an overnight stay in the hotel downtown just to be able to get my TO-DO list done!! LOL!
Kristen Daukas recently posted..Do Moms REALLY Get a Vacation?
Uh… YES!!! Moms rarely get a break- especially on vacation!!! Who does the packing? Who does the agendas and the medicines and the food intake choices and handles the schedules of the children and and and and and…. Us mamas never stop!
I would have reacted the same way!! I get that. My hubs is amazing with my kiddos, but there is definitely a different balance of parenting over here too. I bet you immediately envisioned “single parenting while on vacation” mode. And that released the “gasp” of bitter disappointment.
You could always come back with- “Well that’s awesome honey! I will be out shopping and at the beach, so you decide what to do with the kids…” LOL
Enjoy it as best you can Kristen!! 🙂
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See.. that’s getting into that “tit for tat” thing that I hate. But he will get his golf time and being the swell guy that he is, will make sure that I get my time as well.
Kristen Daukas recently posted..Do Moms REALLY Get a Vacation?