It’s no secret that I have three daughters. And now that they’re getting older, their maintenance is changing quite a bit. My role as a mom is changing quite a bit, too. Ever since the oldest one popped 
out and all the way thru til the youngest one did, I have heard the “advice”. And just like the advice that I got when I was pregnant, I have to weed thru the good stuff and the crap.
But the one thing that we hear at least once a week if not more is “Steve better get himself a shotgun for when the boys start calling”. Well, the boys have started calling and we still don’t have a shotgun and we have yet to run down to the local bait and ammo store to consider buying one.
And you know what? I don’t think that statement is fair to my girls or to the boys that are coming around calling on them.
I want my girls to date.
I want them to have rich, rewarding relationships with a person who treats them well. I don’t care if that person is male or female, black or white.
I want them to be happy. I want them to experience all the giddiness of that first date. The anticipation of someone who you like calling you and making your day. How breathless the right person can make you feel. I want them to drift off into space and daydream about someone and wonder if they’re doing the same thing.
I want them to obsess for HOURS over the right outfit to wear when they go out with that person for the first time. Or the tenth time. I want them to get ticked at me because I won’t take them to the mall this very second when they realize that they don’t have the perfect outfit.
I want them to fall in love and when the time is right –
I want them to have sex.
Because every bit of that feels good. It feels awesome. There is no greater feeling in the world than being in love. Nothing feels better than being adored and worshiped by someone who thinks you are the greatest thing since the internet. The secret glances, the inside jokes, the subtle touch.
Instead of teaching our kids not to have sex, isn’t it time we taught them to have RESPONSIBLE SEX? That when they’re old enough and the time is right and they’re with the right person and the proper protection is in place, that it’s okay. That it’s nothing to be ashamed of. For a society that is so technologically advanced, we are still so broken when it comes to this.
“But they should wait until they’re married” some of you will say. Maybe they should but that’s not up to you or me or society to dictate. Is sex when you’re married good? Yes but be honest – it’s nowhere near as exciting as the sex you had when you had ZERO responsibilities. I love my husband and we have a good, healthy sex life but I guarantee you, we had a whole lot more time for great sex before our kids came along.
So let’s stop shaming our young adults for thinking about or having sex and instead start educating them on how to have safe and mutually respected sex.
It’s time to teach our teen daughters that they OWN it. They are in control of who they choose to get physical with. That there should NEVER be a time where it is taken from them and that just as awesome as good sex feels, sex should never happen when it’s not supposed to.
We also need to teach both our daughters and our sons that talking about their sex lives to others (ala bragging) is dangerous territory especially in this age of social media and smartphones. But if you’re having sex with the right person, that is usually not an issue because before sex happens, there should always be respect, and 2 people who respect each other most likely wouldn’t think that talking about their intimate lives is acceptable.
There are a lot of moving parts to sex and relationships that it’s our responsibility, as parents, to educate our teens about them. As I’ve told my oldest (and eventually them all).. I would rather you ask me and be embarrassed than not ask me and get your information from some socially inept teenager who has no clue. Because as my friend Steffany says… there are a lot of worse things out there than teenage pregnancy.
So what are you telling your teens about sex? Are you giving them the “it’s bad” speech thinking that will dissuade them?
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Good post. We’re nowhere near this point at or house yet but I do want my kids to talk with me openly about it, unlike I did with my parents. One thing that’s helped me frame it in my mind a bit was reading the book “Talk to Me First.” I’d definitely recommend it.
Courtney Tucker recently posted..When the Game Stands Tall: a good fix for your post holiday blues
As much as it “hurts” we have to have poker faces and just listen if our teens are going to talk to us. It can be really, really hard. I’ll have to check that book out!
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Jennifer @ The Jenny Evolution
http://www.thejennyevolution.com
Thanks Jenny! I’ll take a look for sure!
My mother took me to get the pill when I was 15 but I wasn’t having sex, she thought I was on the way to having it (cause I was sneaking around with a 22 year old guy but that’s another story for another day). My parents were clear about not having babies before I was married so getting pregnant was not an option. My mother raised me with biblical principles so sex wasn’t wrong, just not until marriage.
I think all parents want to make sure their kids are getting the right info but I can’t imagine most kids want to talk to their parents about sex. However, I was happy that my mother told me all the facts so I knew what was and wasn’t possible. My mom is a nurse so I knew everything I needed to and I’m grateful for that.
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Yeah I don’t want details anymore than they want MY details. But I will talk about it il I’m blue in the face – even if they pretend they’re not listening.
I’m not going to lie, I hope my kids don’t have sex in high school. But I’m not so delusional I think they’ll wait till they get married. I think both of my teenagers realize there can be consequences if they are smart and not safe about it. We’ve discussed it. I think what worries me the most is the free-ness with the approach of many kids today. I’ve heard talk here in our area of having boyfriends and “friends with benefits.” Do these kids understand the consequences of what they are doing? And that there is a emotional relationship no matter what, even if you think there isn’t? It makes me sad to think that sex has become recreation to many, versus part of a healthy relationship.
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Trust me, I’m not pushing them to have sex.. I’d prefer that they wait, too. I know the games and the tricks and the lies that get told to get someone to do something they’re not ready for. So if and when it happens, I hope that it’s in a strongly committed relationship and not just casually. I have another post waiting to be written about the things that happen to keep the virgin title in place and honestly – that scares me more than old-fashioned sex.
You had me all the way up to the “I want my daughter to have sex” bit. lol
I’m not going to lie, if I had it my way, my daughter would become a nun, but that’s not how life works. I can grudgingly admit that trying to dissuade someone, especially a teen, tends to have the opposite effect.
Hopefully I’ll have at least ten years to get to the point that you’re already at, teaching them to be SAFE.
Great post! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
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Thank you 🙂 And you’re right.. it’s not how it works.
I agree with you! This is such a tough topic to write about well. I only have a son, but most of my thoughts and hopes are much the same for him.
Jessica Smock recently posted..Losing Myself: Antepartum Depression
I just think it’s unfair to say things like that about the boys. It’s the equivalent of moms of sons saying all girls are little *itches who will break the boys hearts.
Remember the scene in Ghostbusters where they told them not to cross the streams because it was extremely dangerous?
Well great googly-moogly woman, you crossed the streams. 😉
My daughter is nine going on 30 and has told me that one day she will find a boy and make him hers. I love my little girl and because I know her well I am telling the boys to run or at least let me break their arms because the kind of beating she’ll give them…
When she is old enough to have a serious talk about this I am sure I will sit down and do it, but I admit that it scares me just a little…bit.
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Wait. Did I trip up the almighty Josh?? Holy crap. My year is complete! 🙂 But I’ll admit, it scares me too…
This was such an honest, gutsy and inspiring post to read. As a blogger and a new Mom I get nervous considering talking about this because I have noticed that in the Mom blog world there are a lot of bloggers who are very strongly tied to their religion/faith and really chastise people who don’t preach some level of abstinence on their blog or in their family life. I 100% agree with you. I hope, as one of the other commentors noted, that I remember this in about 15 years when my daughter as at that age. Thank you for being brave enough to say something that I think everyone should listen to.
PS My Dad used to repeat the line from Clueless “I have a shotgun and shovel and I don’t think anyone will miss you” all the time when I used to talk about boys. He thought it was hilarious. And while that was a funny line in real life I think it is a stupid way to approach your daughters dating!
Kelly recently posted..The Day the Vegan Killed a Duck
Oh Kelly, you have no idea.. that attitude is the reason that I started Ten to Twenty Parenting.. because it seemed the resources just dried up after they started school. And the ones that did were exactly like you mentioned – chastising. Look – I don’t want to think of my girls having sex anymore than my parents did but it’s a fact of life and I’d rather them be armed with correct information.
Kristen Daukas recently posted..Sex and the Teenage Girl
Girl…! You and I think alike. I grew up in a liberal country (the Netherlands) but with very conservative parents. I think I am the most strict parent around, yet the most open about sex. I am not afraid to ground them or talk with them. My oldest is 16 and he was dating an 18 year old girl this summer. (Seriously? What was she thinking?) Even though my son is quiet and reserved, I made sure to bring up sex a time or two. Not forbidding it, but talking about being cautious, using protection, respect and relationships. Mostly he listens. And is embarrassed. But he listens. Glad I only have one girl (the other 3 are boys). With 3 teenagers in the house, how can you NOT talk about IT?!
I am right there with you Kristen!
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Thanks Dorien.. I think there are a LOT who obviously CAN avoid talking about it. What scares me most are the other things that can happen if kids aren’t aware. I’d like to think there are more out there who think like us but I’m not too sure about that.
Kristen Daukas recently posted..Sex and the Teenage Girl
The view from the rear view mirror for me (my daughter is in college now) is one of deep regret. Regret because I don’t think I did enough to emphasize what she should look for in a relationship, but definitely spent a lot of time concentrating on the “all guys want to get in your pants” theme. Not that I was wrong – you know, hormones and all – but maybe if I’d spent some time helping her understand what makes a good, respectful relationship she could have avoided a very bad dating experience in high school. Of course she learned from that bad experience, but it could have been a lesson learned with a lot less pain if perhaps she had been better prepared.
You ain’t kidding about the anxiety either. Outside of health scares I can’t think of anything that caused me as much heartburn as the whole dating and sex thing. Beginning with “What age is it appropriate to date” knowing full well that they could find away around us even when we said it’s not time yet, all the way to the our present situation where we have “kids” who are legally adults and we have to live with the fact that they are likely doing what we did at their age. Basically I spend a lot of energy just trying to block things out of my mind.
By the way all the principles of a good relationship that apply at 15 or 16 apply for the rest of their lives, just as they continue to apply for their parents and grandparents. Respect, caring, complementary senses of humor, patience, forgiveness/knowing what’s unforgivable and honesty. That’s not the full list but you get my drift.
Great post and I predict many comments for you.
Jon Lowder recently posted..A Revival of Compassion, Part II
Thank you my friend. You know your wisdom is what guides me a lot.. I hope you know how much it means to me. And yes.. all of us have been in bad relationships because we weren’t told what a bad relationship looked like. Like Oprah and Maya said 20 years ago.. “when you see trouble coming, you need to cross the street”. “no means no” goes for a lot more than just sex.
Kristen Daukas recently posted..Sex and the Teenage Girl
Can you remind me of this post in say 5-ish years when I call you flipping out going she wants to talk about the s word and I was raised my a methodist minister… My momma still doesnt talk about the s word…??? 🙂 Great post my friend!!!!
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I will. I promise.
Kristen Daukas recently posted..Sex and the Teenage Girl
This was such a great post, Kristen! But I’m not going to lie – I cringed every time I read the word “sex”. Five kids – I have just one daughter. I’m so protective of her. And can never imagine her growing up to the point of having a sexual relationship. Guess I have some parenting growing up to do. 😉
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I know, I know. It makes me cringe too but I also know that it’s inevitable and I would rather help them take control of it than the other way around.
Kristen Daukas recently posted..Sex and the Teenage Girl
I’d want a healthy sexual relationship for anyone I love, especially those I call daughters (and I have three). I think for now, even though the oldest is 15, I want to concentrate on those aspects of relationships that make them healthy. As you mentioned, if those are in place, if that mutual respect and understanding and patience is there, it takes away some of the anxiety that the person you trust will treat you any other way.
I think grownups need this lesson, too, by the way.
Eli@coachdaddy recently posted..Pride and Prejudice: Prepping my Kid for Her First Parade March
I agree Eli and like you, with an almost 15 year old, I want the conversation to always be open so that they are getting the RIGHT information and the RIGHT protection.
Kristen Daukas recently posted..Sex and the Teenage Girl